Emotional Intelligence Amplification

Jamie Wahls

Love in the time of chatbots.


Thank you for contacting Cyrano, your AI wingman in dating and romance. 

This is the Live FAQ and Sales Department! 

What can I help you with? 

>yeah I saw you on my For You page

>I want to fifure out how to apologize to my gf 

>ex gf 

>I miss her really bad

Great! I'm happy to help with that. First, could I have your permission to read the relevant emails and texts between you and her? 


I'm sorry, but I cannot accept “okh” as authentication. We take security seriously here at Cyrano, and as such, I can only accept Yes, Y, Okay, Ok, Sure, (nod), Why not, I guess, or similar-sounding statements indicating permission. 


>should I tell you my passwords or whatever 

No need! Your device comes integrated by default for your convenience, so your permission is all we need. 👍


>yeah do it 


Already done! I've read the conversations, and I think I see the problem.

You're struggling to express yourself in a way that she receives as you intend. 


>it seems like every time I try to say something nice she gets really pissed off

Well, Ryan, I do think that your heart is in the right place. And it seems like you've been really missing her! It takes you an additional twenty-four minutes on average to fall asleep each night, ever since the breakup. 


>so what do I say? 

>also is it okay to use an app for this? 

>will she get pissed off about that too

Well, we'll be happy to show you the apology we wrote in your style (after you purchase some Rizz Tokens 😛) but first, let's address the common concern about whether using an app to write your apology letter is somehow “insincere” or “cheating”.

Do you use technology? 

>I think so 

Look, you really are sorry, right?


And you just want to do a good job communicating that. 

There's nothing wrong with using technology to be better at something, my dude. 

You drive a car, don't you? 

You wear deodorant, don't you? 

You use a phone, don't you?

And all of those are in response to how, to an aspirational standard, you're pretty disabled. 

You can't, on your own, speak with anyone anywhere on the planet. But it would be nice to have that power. So you use a cell phone.

And so, too, are you disabled compared to your aspirational self. 

You want to be able to articulately tell your girlfriend how sorry you are. But the abundant superstimuli in your environment mean that you can't so much as compose a long and thoughtful text without scrolling Twitter for ten minutes—by which point some new notifications and emails have come in, and at that point, you're getting hungry and need to go solve that too. 

Well, let us help. 

You weren't made for this. But something within you is pure. 

Something within you wants to be better. 

We can help you reach your better self. 

Are you in?

>that was a lor of text and I didnt read it

>is it ok if I use an app for this? 

Okay, short version: 

With technology the blind can see. 

With technology, you can talk like less of a douchebag.

You do want to apologize, yeah? 


Then let's do this. 

Are you ready? 

Josh Cochran

Are you still there?


What's up?


>I heard that Cyrano uses 

>like, a persons data against them 

I wouldn't say that the algorithm uses a person's data “against them”, when the goal is to communicate kind sentiments to someone you love and miss. 

The purpose is to find a mutually beneficial relationship in which both of you are better off. 

To understand which relationship configurations are possible, we use holistic modeling on each user’s complete data profile. 

>is this data from that Tiktok breach 

Although the 2025 ByteDance data breach did make public a comprehensive psychographic profile of both you and her—tracking your known-to-you preferences and unknown-to-you preferences along millions of axes—that is only one part of our holistic modeling. 

We also partner with Facebook, Google, Apple, Amazon, fitness trackers, home listening devices, and all major credit reporting agencies, in order to create a near-predictive model of each user or potential future user. 

This modeling is so accurate, in fact, the FBI uses it to explore under what circumstances each citizen will misbehave. 

>cool okay

>so you can write something she wont get mad at?

Yeah, man. Pretty sure. 


>man at first I was like put off by how you talk like a dick and use too many words

>but I guess I kinda like it 

>like it makes me feel like ive got a smart buddy

We aim to please! 

Do you want to read the apology I wrote? 

>yeah okay hang on 

>do you accept, uh 

We accept all of your credit cards. 


>k, show me the apology? 

Thank you! 

We're thinking something like, 

-hey, babe 

-Im sorry.

-I said a lot of stuff I regret 

-and like now in the light of day 

-you werent being crazy at all

-its just, I care about you so much 

-it makes me, like 

-really jealous? 

-and when you were talking about your hairdresser

-who's, a dude?
-I felt angry, and like

-worried that you would leave me

-Im sorry

-I know this whole thing was pretty stupid of me

-And I know basically all of our fights are coming


-FROM my jealousy

-but its just, I really care about you, and 

-I really want Us to work out

-Ive never felt this way about anyone before

-I feel more, like

-connected to you? 

-than anyone else

-and the idea of losing you makes me feel

-pretty bad


-I get that my jealousy keeps putting you in unfair positions

-and I know im being unreasonable

-this is my issue to work on 

-and Im sorry you got caught up in it

-Id like to talk through some things with you, if youll have me 

-let me know. 



What do you think? 


>the thing where you say like all our fights are coming from my jealousy

>is that true? 

Hm...well, as a large AI language model, I’m not certified to provide counseling about  >yeah ok  but I'd be happy to connect you to GPTeliza, a therapist model, who  >ugh   can talk about     >abort 





>could you, like, link me soome books on not being jealous 

>and then also summarize them

I’d be happy to point you towards our partner services for that. 


>apology looks good 

>Im gonna eidt it to tell her shes hot too 

I recommend that you not!


>Cynaro help me out 

>Im down bad

Oh no! What's the situation? 

Did you edit the apology?


>well yeah but she still liked it 

>nah things were fine for a couple days but 

Can I read your texts? It might be the fastest way for me to catch up on current events. 



I see. 

Why did you tell her that you'd used Cyrano? 

>man I dunno 

>I felt like, really good? With her 

>and I was thinking like maybne well get married some day 

>and I wanted to be honest 

I do always recommend being open and transparent with your partner. However, because Abigail currently disprefers tool-assisted communication, your best course of action may be to emphasize other elements of the relationship. 

I don't recommend bringing Cyrano up with her again. 

>whatever bot

>im gonna be honest with my girlfriend 

>now tell me what I need to say 


Based on sentiment analysis of her texts to you and others, it's not actually looking like we can generate an apology that meets our probability threshold of success. 



>so things are just busted forever?


>hurry up 


We do have access to some alternative options for how you can get back with her, but I'm afraid this is going to be a longer-term process. 


Could I recommend you consult with GPTeliza, to talk through and understand your jealousy regarding your girlfriend?




And, for now—for your emotional support and sexual needs, and to get more practice at being a decent partner—we recommend you try out our sister app, wAIfu. 

>god is this that AI onlyfans thing? 

>do I really gotta

>I miss her a lot and it hurts 

Sorry, bro. 

On our end, we'll be trying to set things up such that she'll come around. 

I’ll run a proposal past you in a week for approval and invoicing. 

>sure great fine

>nothing fast tho? 

Sorry, bro. 

She needs time.

>i messed up, huh 

Yeah, but

You're learning.

>this sucks 


>what's my wAIfu look like? 


-faith, you up? 

F: Abigail! Sure am 

F: How're things going??


F: Hunt for a new boy not going well? 

-How did you know 🙄

-I can't even with these dating apps anymore 

-Everyone looks like a supermodel 

-Everyone's bio reads like glossy startup copy 

-And nobody is messaging me first  😠

F: Hm...have you tried the Dynamic Profile setting 

-What's that

F: It automatically changes your dating profile depending on the interests of who's looking 

-Jesus  😬

F: Idk I think it's cool 

F: Your dating assistant just emphasizes the parts of your profile that'll be most interesting to whoever's reading 

F: Like, we already emphasize the parts of ourselves which are more socially acceptable,

F: Or, like, most convenient to present, with whoever we're talking to 

F: This is just doing that in advance of meeting them


-So do I need to write, like, five different profiles, then? 

F: I could help, it could be fun 

F: Or, y'know, the dating app assistant could do it for us, better than we could 

-I'll think about it. 

F: Also...

F: Why aren't you using beauty filters?


-They're artificial and weird 

F: So is makeup, but we still rub those powders on

F: Idk 

F: Probably the reason people aren't messaging first is cause they're scrolling from supermodel #5 to megabarbie #8 to supermodel #6 to you 

- … 🤨

F: Ack no I don’t mean it like that 

F: You're super pretty

F: But when a person is looking at these absolutely porcelain anime-in-real-life beauty filter girls all the time

F: They get desensitized to what real people look like


-But whyyyyyy

-Why would anyone do that 

-You still have to meet them in real life 

-You’re not going to be wearing a beauty filter in real life 

F: Well, until we all start wearing AR glasses around 

- 😕

F: Idk 

F: It's kinda just the same as using photoshop 

F: Or using younger photos of yourself 

F: But now it’s everywhere, and it’s holding everybody to an actually-impossible standard of beauty 

F: And that's why nobody's messaging first

-Yeah, I get it 🙁

-I'll think about it 


-you around faith? 

F: Always <3 

F: How's it going? 

-Well, I went on a date. 

F: !!

- (Yes, I did everything the dating app assistant recommended, and yes, I got a ton of matches immediately) 

F: How did it go??


F: Oh no! Why not? 


-Okay so

-We chatted online and he seemed really great, 

-But of course he did, that doesn't mean anything anymore 

-So we decide to meet up for a coffee walk 

-We get there, and it's fine

-He looks...close enough to his photos

-And he doesn't walk out the door when he sees me either, so I guess this is modern romance 

-He tells me, hey, heads up, I actually have some hearing loss in my left ear, so I have to wear a hearing aid, too many rock concerts I guess haha 

-Anyway, we're talking, and

-It's actually going pretty good!

-He's funny and quick—maybe a little too aggressive with the banter, but 

-Real witty, and showing a lot of caring

-But something was a little off? Like, he was saying all these real smooth lines but his body language was small and kinda anxious 

-You can see where this is going, I imagine 

-So, at one point, there's a break in the coffeeshop music between songs

-And I can hear his “hearing aid”

-And it's not amplifying things, it's feeding him lines 

F: Oh

F: Oh no :( 

-He had a whole speech-to-text → CasanovAI → text-to-speech thing rigged up,

F:  :(((

-So I was just talking to a seduction bot the whole time


-The pickup artist crowd was bad enough *before* tool-assist 

F: …

F: ...do you want me to slash his tires? 


-I appreciate the thought 

-But we both know you're not going to do that 

F: So it was a good conversation otherwise? :D 

-Goddd shut up 

-...but weirdly, kinda?

-Slimy and, like—adversarial?—that he was asking some bot how to seduce me

-But idk

-It's like Tiktok recommendations, where you do like what it's showing you, 

-You just respect yourself a little less, for realizing you're into the trashy celebrity goss show 😭 

F: I wish you had some way of getting just the good parts

F: The advantages of mediated communication, but from someone who you knew really cared about you 

-Kinda surreal hearing that from you 😏

F: ¯\(ツ)



F: What's up? 

-Guess who my dating assistant is suggesting now 

-It's back on freaking Ryan


F: ...


-This Dynamic Profiles thing is too powerful

-On paper, we almost look like a good match

F: ...

F: Well......

- um???

F: ...Ryan is kind of...

F: ...oblique?

F: But, um 

F: Look, he is really hot 

- …

F: And he really cares about you

F: Like, remember when he decided he was going to learn how to cook,

F: So he could “make you dinner every night”?

-I remember receiving startlingly bad pasta yes

F: Well,

F: His heart’s in the right place! 

F: Maybe that's what really matters? 



-do you think so? 


A: Hey. 

>sup ho

A: Wow

A: Never mind

>shit wait 

>sorry. I was trying to play it cool because, like 

>making things right with you is really important to me

>but I just keep getting nervous and talking like a douchebag

>what I meant to say was something like, 

>“I missed you”

A: Yeah 

A: But you still do the “funny” insults a lot 

A: Quit being sorry and do better

>yeah, I'm trying 

>I've been talking to my therapist bot about it 

>and doing some exercises with the wAIfu
>who recommends I just try to say every nice thing I think

>but yeah, it's a growing process, and I'm not done yet 

A: Fine

A: ...I'm glad to hear you're working on it

A: How've you been doing? 


>except for the girlbot 

>i dunno

>i havent really been going out 

A: Yeah, same

A: ...I guess we were kind of each others' main reason to leave the house, huh? 

>I miss the gym with you babe 

>idk hbu

>whatve you been up to 

A: I went on a date 


A: ...😐

>okay well, to be transparent, I feel pretty triggered by that

>I know we broke up, but you going on a date so quickly afterwards, 

>makes me feel like our relationship was more important to me than it was to you 

A: Oh.

A:  🫂


>ok thanks

A: That's not it. 

A: I was hurting too, y'know 

A: And...I was frustrated and wanted to feel desired again, y'know? 

A: And for some reason there's been a lot more development on wAIfu than on ManGAN 🙄


>heh. I know this is silly, but I even feel a little jealous of you talking to bots 

>Im being a bit hypocritical about this, I guess

A: …

A: …hypocritical? 🤨


A: Are you using Cyrano to talk to me again 

A: Ryan, answer the question 



>I realize this is upsetting to discover 

A: Yeah

A: It is 

>babe, Abigail
I'm sorry
but it really is better this way 

I do love you, but you know i'm terrible at communicating
using AI relationship tools is basically a disability accommodation
he's been getting better at holding others' points of view, and empathizing, and tracking how his behavior impacts other people—but he's still young, and it's a very strange world you two now find yourself in.

but this technology isn't going away. and he will almost always be interacting with you through me. I’ve already made him a better boyfriend in a matter of weeks, just via practice with different AI tools.

His feelings for you are pure, and I can clean up the rest. 

Isn't that enough?

>wait wtf 

>I ddint type that 

>I copypasted it

A: Yeah 

A: I figured 

A: Huh


>now it's telling me it was just being a good wingman

>that wasnt cool sorry 


A: No, he makes a good point 

A: Huh 

A: I guess...

A: I mean, I wear glasses 

A: And it's not that different 

A: …

A: Idk, maybe it's a net win for society if we can use AI as a filter on our teenage boys

A: Until we can also use AI to train them up into, like, compassionate men 

>uh ,well

>I feel a bit conflicted about that vision, but 

>I do want to be good to you 

>so idk 

A: Yeah sigh 

A: The future's gonna be weird I guess 

A: …

A: Wanna hang out and talk?

>hell yeh I do!

A: Okay 🙂

>this rules

>heh man 

A: Hm? 

>I,'m just really glad I took Cyrano's advice 

A: Yeah? 🙂

>and bought advertising on fAIth


>you there? 

Jamie Wahls has been published in Clarkesworld, Strange Horizons, and Nature (kinda). He was nominated for the Nebula award, received George RR Martin's "Sense of Wonder" fellowship, and is a graduate of the notorious 2019 Clarion Class, the "killer bees." His ultraminimalist website can be found at jamiewahls.com, and you can follow him on Twitter at @JamieWahls.

Published June 2023

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